Oscoliosistenderflanker
by ToKeepFromGoingUnder
Summary: A huge joke story that I made up with some help of a friend of mine... we were thinking that we should make a fourth season and then this came up. Cal's pregnant. :P
1. Chapter 1

Cal stared at the doctor with a dark frown. "I'm sorry, what did you just say?"

"You have a disease called oscoliosistenderflanker."

"You're joking, right?"

"No, I would never lie about this kind of thing. " The doctor - Dr. Jon - took a step towards Cal and raised his hands, trying to show the greatness of Cal's current situation.

"What does that mean?"

"It means that... you are capable of conceiving."

"Gah! No! Don't tell me that shit!"

"I'm sorry?"

"You should be! I can't give BIRTH!"

"Yes you can, sir, and you are pregnant."

"GAH! NO!"

"Please, Mr. Lightman."

_"Doctor _Lightman," Cal immediately corrected.

"Don't you see? This is a wonderful thing!"

"This is a HORRIBLE thing! This is creepy." He held up a finger, counting off what this was. "This is weird. This is ridiculous. This is not possible. This is STUPID! This is NOT true!"

"A man... giving birth... do you know what that means? It means that now the world can procreate two times faster!"

"I don't want to 'procreate'! I'd prefer to just be a dude." Cal leaned against the wall and shook his head. "This is jacked up. I don't believe this."

"I got you a therapist to help you through this difficult time."

"A therapist? I work with a woman that is a therapist... I think she can help me more."

"No, it's for pregnancy counceling."

"I'M NOT PREGNANT!" Cal screamed.

"Sir, please calm down. Would you like the therapist or not?"

"NOT!" Cal raged.

"SIR!" Dr. Jon hissed. "Please... stop. Right now."

"Stop what? 'Conceiving?' Sorry... it's hormones... I can't help it," Cal mocked.

"This has become inappropriate."

Cal raised an eyebrow in amusement. "Yes sir it has. Now bring out the cameras and tell me that this is all a stupid-ass joke."

"I'm sorry, sir, but this still is not a joke."

The large metal door broke from it's hinges and revealed Emily standing there, her fists up at the ready. "Daddy, are you pregnant? Me too!"

Cal shook his head and then looked at Emily. "What? You're pregnant?"

"Yeah!" she said excitedly.

"Who the hell got you pregnant?"

Her smiled disappeared and she whispered, "I was raped daddy." She narrowed her eyes and looked at him. A small wink came from her face and he frowned.

"Who raped you? Why wasn't I told? I'll kill him!"

"No, daddy, I wanted it."

"Then it's not considered rape." Cal took a deep breath and turned his head curiously studying her face.

"No, but he forced me."

"Then he raped you."

"But I wanted it."

"Then he didn't. Emily! What the bloody hell? What bloke did this to you?"

"Daddy, just don't worry. Oh look." She pointed to the paper in Dr. Jon's file on Cal. "We have the same due date."

"I'm not fuckin' pregnant."

"Yes sir you are. Come in in about a month and we can do an ultrasound."

"Emily, we are going."

"Dr. Jon?" a man asked, walking into the room.

"No, no," Dr. Jon said in a high voice. "No, you need to go."

"But I thought you needed a therapist?"

"Yes, well I thought Dr. Lightman would want one, but he doesn't so off you go."

Cal thought for a minute and shrugged. "Hell, I'll take him."

"Really?" Dr. Jon asked hopefully.

"Yeah, hand him over. What's your name, love?" Cal asked the therapist.

"Uh," he cleared his throat. "Fallon."

"Fallon? Well that's a fucked up name, but who cares. Do you cry yourself to sleep? Yeah..." Cal took Fallon's hand and dragged him from the hospital room.

"Sir, you're pregnant."

"Holy shit! I didn't even say anything about being pregnant. Don't talk to me unless I talk to you first. Emily, come on," He yipped.

Emily nodded and ran after them. "Um, daddy..."

"What?" Cal turned around and looked at her.

"Do you want to know who took advantage of me like Tom Robinson did Mayella Ewell?"

"So you tempted a black man?"

"No, it was Eli. Eli Loker. He raped me. While you were at the shop."

"The shop?"

"Yes, Wal-Mart. He came to the house and I asked him to chop up a chiffarobe and then he raped me."

Cal raised an eyebrow and said, "Alright, I'll talk to him."

"How will you tell Gillian?"

"I don't know. I still don't believe it so... wait... A woman can't get a man pregnant?"

"Well, you have that disease," Emily reminded him.

"No, it's absolutely impossible. It's the guy putting something in the girl... not the other way around."

"I hate to suggest this, sir," Fallon said, "but... maybe you slept with a man?"

Cal quickly slapped Fallon and then straightened up. "HELL NO!"

"Alright. Sorry for suggesting it, sir."

"Yes, you bloody well should be."

**A/N: This is a completel joke that my friend and I came up with... I just wanted to know what you think. If you haven't read the book 'To Kill A Mockingbird' then part of this will be confusing... also if there's other confusing things, it's cause it's an inside joke between my friends and I. Thanks for reading and let me know what you think!**


	2. Chapter 2

Cal sat on the uncomfortable chair, his feet crossed and resting on the coffee table.

"Mr. Lightman."

"DOCTOR Lightman, gosh DAMMIT!" Cal yelled with wide eyes.

"Alright, alright, I'm sorry," Fallon said, shriveling up in fear.

Cal grabbed a handful of cheetos from the bowl on the table and shoved it into his mouth.

"Wow... got enough there?"

"I'm eating for two now, remember?" Cal chuckled and grabbed another handful. "Man, these are really cheesy! Do you have any cheesecake?" He stood up and walked to a mini fridge that fallon had in his office. "Hmm..." Cal opened it up. "Ice cream? That'll do."

"Um, that's for my wife when she comes today."

"Screw her... I have a baby in me and I'm craving ice cream... got that? Why the bloody hell is your wife coming anyway? Are you her pregnancy counselor?"

"No, she's just coming over because I've had a lot of late nights."

"And she thinks you're cheating on her? That happened to a friend of mine..." Cal thought for a minute and - after no luck with finding a spoon - he dug his hands into the ice cream tub.

"That is disgusting," Fallon commented, watching Cal's horrendous eating.

"It's delicious. Your wife has good taste."

Fallon stood up and said, "Alright, enough. Give me that."

Cal yanked it away and stared angrily. "I'm eating this ice cream and you can't stop me."

"Gosh dammit, Dr. Lightman."

"Ah, ah, ah. Can I ask you a question?"

Fallon smiled and nodded. "Of course. Yes."

"How the hell did I get pregnant?"

"Well, you have osc-"

"NO. I mean... seriously. How?"

"Well, the only possible explanation is that you had sexual intercourse with a man..."

"Well, I can go ahead and cross that off the list, cause I'm a dude... and legit dudes don't do crap like that. How'd the bloody fuck did I get pregnant?"

"Dr. Lightman... I'm telling you the only way..."

"There's gotta be another way! I have sex with women all the time! Doesn't that mean anything?"

"I'm sure that the disease is what made it happen... like maybe you... got yourself pregnant while doing something with a woman."

"Alright, well I'm done with this conversation. So I'm like... legit preggers?"

"That's correct."

"Damn..."

.:.

Cal and Emily held hands as they stood in front of Gillian. "What's up?" Gill asked.

"Well..." Cal started.

"We're pregnant!"

"We?" Gillian asked.

Cal stared at his feet.

"Dad has this disease called osciolistisflandercakereater... Shit, I can't remember the name of it." She shrugged and smiled.

"Cal...? You are... pregnant? That's not possible."

"That's what I said!" he exclaimed.

"Cal, I think you've gone mental."

"Don't say that to me, Gill."

"It's physically impossible for a man to be pregnant."

"Ask the stupid doctor, Gill! I'm fuckin' knocked up."

"Who's the... mother? Or... uhm... father?"

He shrugged and fell onto the couch in her office.

"Ok... well you should probably go now."

"Why?"

"If you're pregnant... that's just creepy." She widened her eyes and pointed towards the door. "Off you go now."

He stood up and scrunched up his face. "I'm still the same guy."

"Not if you're pregnant... or if you... think that you are."

"No, Gill... I really am!" he insisted.

She frowned and said, "Go talk to... um... someone that can help you with this problem and then I'll keep working with you."

He shrugged and pulled Emily along. "Alright, whatever."

"Wait," Gillian said.

They both turned around and boredly stared at her.

"Emily... you're pregnant too?"

"Yeah, Loker raped me."

"He what? Cal, we have to fire him!" she screeched.

"Why should I care? I'd be pissed if I caught him in the middle of takin' advantage of her... but what's done is done, right?" He smiled.

"What the hell?" she screamed.

"What's the problem? She's my kid for goodness sake."

"She was raped Cal! By one of your employees!"

"Eli's a good guy... it don't matter, sweet legs."

"Do not call me that."

"Why? Doesn't a pregnant man turn you on?"

"I'd shut up right there..." she hissed.

"Rawr. I like that." He winked and then walked out of her office before she could say anything else.

"I have a theory, dad," Emily announced once they walked from Gillian's office.

"And what might that be?" he asked, looking down at his brown-eyed daughter.

"Maybe you got really drunk some night and then... I dunno... Loker raped you too?"

He chuckled. "I'm too old for that bastard."

"It's a possibillity."

"Yeah, I suppose." He frowned and kneeled down. But when he noticed that she wasn't that short, he stood back up. "Darling... Your daddy - the man that you have looked up to for all these years - is now pregnant. Don't follow in my footsteps."

"But I'm already pregnant... and I never looked up to you."

He coughed extremely loudly and then turned around. "Fine. I see how it is."

"Dad, we can relate. We're both pregnant."

"You know? This still isn't possible in my mind," he mumbled.

**A/N: hehe... this is a fun story to write... it helps me just blow off steam ^.^ Thanks for reading if you care ;)**


	3. Chapter 3

"Cal... I didn't take the news well. I'm sorry," Gillian whispered with a smile.

He looked at her curiously. "I don't give a fuck, Gill." He turned slightly to look at her past his feet that were reclined on his desk. "Listen... I've somehow been knocked up... you ca believe me or not, but when I give birth to the fuckin' child... you'll understand."

"But... how?" she asked with a frown.

"Well... I have absolutely no clue. It's creeping me out just talking about it."

"Have you considered getting a therapist?"

"Have you considered getting a boob job? Yes is the answer to both of those questions."

She looked down at her chest and then back to him. "NO! I've never-"

"Ah, ah, ahhhh... Don't lie to me." He winked and stood up.

"Cal, you're being a creep."

"Do you think I haven't thought of that before?" he asked, smiling widely. "On second thought... your boobs are just fine. Would you smack me if I touched one of them."

"I'll smack you for asking!" she screamed, staring at him angrily.

"You can't keep a man from trying." He smiled and walked out of the office. "Um... don't hang out in here for too long... I have the sprinklers set to go off in..." He looked at his watch and took one more step into the hallway. "Now."

"Gah!" Gillian screamed as the water rained down on her.

"Why would you set these?"

"Because I knew you were going to come in to apologize... so I thought I'd get my revenge." He laughed maniacally and then skipped off to the lab.

"Hey... so... um... You raped my daughter?" Cal asked Eli.

Loker smiled widely and nodded. "Yes sir... I most definitely did and I most definitely enjoyed it."

Cal bit his lip and thought for a moment. "You just... raped her? There was no other woman that you might have been interested in? You had to rape my daughter?"

"Yes." Eli smiled and stood up. "I have to go to the pub and hire a hooker... Can I get off early today?"

"Yeah, go for it." Cal smiled and grabbed Eli's arm. "By the way... don't rape my daughter again. It's a very serious matter."

They both stared at eachother silently and then broke out in laughter. "Alright... go hire that hooker. Have a great night."

.:.

"So dad... I started buying baby clothes. Some for boys and girls... but I mean... who knows... you'll probably end up having a gay child since this is already really fucked up."

"So what kind of clothes did you get for my child?"

"Black. That's a pretty neutral color... right?"

"I guess... but it's BLACK! Em!" He yelled. "I don't want my kid looking all emo."

"Wait... dad..."

"What?"

"Did you talk to Gillian yet?"

"About what?"

"Your pregnancy."

"Yeah... she apologized for being an ass... I suggested she gets a boob job, then changed my mind and asked if I could touch them... you know, the usual."

She nodded and dropped a large bag on the counter. "Hm... alright."

"What's in that bag?"

"Um..." She patted the bag and said, "Well I was at the shop..."

"And...?"

"They had this HUGE sale on pudding!"

"So... there's pudding in the bag?"

"No, there's breakfast burritos in it..." She gave him a look like he was an idiot and mumbled, "Well duh. What else?"

"Well... you said that they were having a pudding sale..."

"I hate pudding. You know that."

"But I love pudding."

"Am I supposed to cater your every need? Dad! Take care of yourself!" She screamed and punched the bag, watching sadly as breakfast burritos spilled out and to the floor. "Dammit, dad. There goes all my fuckin burritos..."

"Not all of them. Just some."

.:.

"What's for lunch?" Gillian asked walking into the lab.

Ria and Eli turned and smiled at her. "Whaaa...?"

"Well, I thought you guys could treat me to lunch... What are we having?"

Cal leaned back in his chair, rubbing his stomach. "It kicked!"

"It's been there for a week... that's a lie," Gillian mumbled.

"We can have breakfast burritos... Emily bought a shit load at Wal-Mart for some reason... so we have way more then we can eat."

"Why would she buy a bunch of breakfast burritos?"

"Because there was a pudding sale. Duh."

She frowned and asked, "Why would we have BREAKFAST burritos for lunch?"

"Because I have too many fuckin' burritos and I need to get rid of them!" he screamed.

Eli slipped over and ran a hand up Cal's leg.

"GAH! What the bloody hell are you doing?"

"You have very soft jeans..." Loker whispered.

"Get your hand off of me right now," Cal hissed.

Eli winked and patted Cal's chest. "You like that... or you liked it didn't you?"

"Eli, could you please leave?"

"Oh, but everyone likes my presence."

"No... you creep us all out," Ria said.

"I thought you liked me..." he whispered to her.

"No... I like your ass," she corrected.

"Oh, well I do have a great ass." He leaned forward and looked at his butt. "Damn! I have a nice ass!"

Cal looked at Gillian and asked, "Alright... so burritos or no?"

"I guess... I don't have anything else..."

"Like... I have a REALLY NICE ass!"

"LOKER!"

"Yes, soft jeans?"

"Stop obsessing over your ass!"

"Well... Ria opened me to a new world of brilliance. I have a nice ass. I have nothing good about me... apart from my skills at manipulation and my ass..."

"Manipulation?" Gill asked.

"Yeah... I convince people to let me rape them. That's why Emily said I forced her but she wanted it." Loker looked at them with a creepy gaze and then fell to the floor. "Damn! My awesome ass made me slip RIGHT from the chair!"

"I'm pregnant..." Cal whispered, a tear rolling down his face.

**A/N: HA! Awesomeness!**


	4. Chapter 4

"So... I've decided that I no longer want to be a deception detection expert," Cal said, smiling at Gillian.

"Um... what?"

"What?"

"What do you want to be instead?"

"A pillow designer."

"Why the hell...?"

"There's an amazing world of PILLOWS out there!" He threw a pillow towards her, whacking her in the face and sending her to the floor. "Ooo... are you okay?"

"Cal! You broke my fuckin' NOSE!"

"I hit you with a pillow! Man up!" he screeched.

Eli walked in and sat down beside Cal. "Hey, soft jeans."

"Oh, hey, daughter-raper." Cal nodded towards him.

Eli ran his hand up Cal's chest and Gillian smacked his hand away.

"ELI LOKER!" she screamed.

Cal stood up and ran towards the door, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You can't just GROPE him!" she screamed.

"Because I'm in love with him."

"He's a man."

"Oh... I didn't tell you? I've gone gay."

"That's sexy," Cal said, licking his lips.

"You were groping your boss."

"Now, now, Gill," Cal said.

"What?"

"The word 'grope' connotates a negative feeling..."

"What's your point? It's a negative thing for Eli to be doing to you."

"I didn't take it negatively." Cal shrugged and winked at Eli. "You DO have a fine ass, son."

"Yeah.. well... you know."

.:.

"So... office gossip says that you and Loker are a thing," Emily said, chewing on a gyro.

"Office gossip? You don't work at my office."

"So, how you had any morning sickness yet?"

"Nah... but I'm gonna need you to hold my hair back when I'm puking..."

"But... you... umm... Dad, you're hair is like nothing."

"Emily! I need help with this!"

"But Daddddd..." she whined.

"WHAT!"

"What if I need you to hold MY hair back?"

"We have the same due date! We'll be puking at the same DAMN time!"

"Good point. Should we hire someone to hold our hair back for both of us? Or... like maybe ask Fallon to come in and do it for us?"

"Yeah... Oh wait! Let's go tell EVAN!"

"YEAH!" she screamed.

.:.

"Is there an Evan here?" Cal asked.

"Well... my name is George, if that helps."

"NO, that doesn't help!" Cal yelled. "I'm looking for an Evan... why the FUCK would I want to know that your name is George?"

"Ok... I'm sorry. I just wanted to help."

"Um... my name is Evan," someone mumbled.

"Ok... Evan... I'm pregnant."

"Alright. But wait... you're a dude."

"Yeah... I get that alot."

"How many people do you tell?"

"I like to tell everyone I see."

"Like a child shows everyone there new toy..." Emily clarified.

Evan nodded and frowned. "Well... that's cool. I guess."

"Thanks!" Cal screamed. "C'mon Em... I'm gonna go try the moves on Gill again."

"Dad, she hates you. You're a pervert."

"You really think so?" Cal asked.

"Yes... you asked if you could touch her boobs."

.:.

"So... how have people been taking your pregnancy?"

"I'm starting to regret the way that I've been... well... broadcasting it. I feel really weird."

"Why?"

"Well... I should have kept it hidden until my belly started to grow... FUCK!" Cal yelled.

"What? What? What's the problem?" Fallon asked.

"Boner..."

"Why? Wait... I don't-"

"I'm thinking of your wife."

Fallon's eyes got wide and he asked, "Why the hell would she give you a... a..."

"A boner? Because she has a sexy..."

"Don't say it..."

"A really... really sexy..."

"Please stop right there..."

"Like CRAZY sexy..."

"I hate my job."

"Eyebrow."

"What...?"

"Well, I would say eyebrows, but I think we both know that she has a unibrow..."

"How do you know that?"

He spun around and grabbed a picture frame. "This picture right here."

"How did you know that she... that that picture was there?"

"I could smell it."

"I'm going to kill myself tonight."

"Oh... don't do that. I'm just now getting used to you."

"Oh, yeah? You are JUST NOW still creeping me out."

"Is that even possible...?" Cal asked.

"OH MY GOSH!"

"Would you get mad at me if I tried the moves on your wife...?"

"You're pregnant! Find out who the mother is! OR the father or... whatever!"

"You're not a very nice therapist," Cal whispered.

"DAMMIT!" Fallon screamed awkwardly.

.:.

"So... how was your second session with Fallon?" Gillian asked.

"He gave me permission to fuck his wife."

"Well that's... um..." She frowned and asked, "Are you serious?"

"Nah, he screamed at me for even asking..."

"Well... Cal... He's married to her."

"Marriage is but a band that was meant to be broken."

"I thought that was rules were meant to be broken... and lines were meant to be crossed."

"Speaking of lines being crossed..." He grabbed her around the waist and kissed her face.

"Cal, what the hell?"

"I was crossing the line."

"Yeah..." She smacked him and then slapped her hip. "Do I have a nice ass...?"

"Um..." He looked down at it and shrugged. "Well... Loker has a nice ass."

"I didn't ask about Loker's ass..."

.:.

"Would you be willing to date me?" Eli asked.

Cal stared at him and shrugged. "I totally would... but I kind of hate you and I kind of don't like being around you and you kind of annoy the shit out of me... and I'm pregnant and Fallon has encouraged me not to date until I find the father or mother or whatever..."

"Oh... Well... Um..." He stood up and ran from Cal's office. "EMILY!" he screamed.

'What?" she asked, smiling at the curly haired man.

"I know who got Lightman pregnant."

**A/N: DUNNNNN DUNNNN DUNNN!**


End file.
